That wasn't the person I knew.

Have you had that feeling at a funeral? It leaves you confused, empty and then a bit angry. How could “they” get your person so wrong. This happens far more often than you would think. The person you have known and loved passes and those who organize the funeral have arranged something that has no resemblance to the values and lived life of the one you knew.

It can happen for a number of reasons, the pain of loss is too much for those closest to make sense of the arrangement for the funeral and the service is handed to someone without connection or a love of your person. It becomes something that must be done, and often expediency is at the centre of decision making.

I had the awful experience of attending a much-loved Aunt, who was a mother to me for most of my life, but somehow her daughter in law took the reins, excluding input from all that loved her. The funeral was quite simply soul-less, without reflection of the truly loving and loving woman she was. I remember standing there in shock and screaming inside “stop, let me tell you who she was, let others in this room share how she loved and cared for us”. Instead we grieved, unconnected and in disbelief. It still pains me, but of course the love remains and I hear her words and feel her presence when I need her. You know what I mean?

It doesn’t have to be this way, it doesn’t matter how old we are, having open conversations about what is after all a natural part of our life journey can be a gift to those you love. Having heart-centred discussions that reflect your values help ensure your life is honoured in a way that those who mourn your passing can sign and know “that was my person” and perhaps smile as they remember the impact you had in their life.